How being a ‘good girl’ is holding you back

These evidence-based practices will help you reconnect with your most authentic self

By Dr Michelle McQuaid

These evidence-based practices will help you reconnect with your most authentic self

By Dr Michelle McQuaid

Previous article What’s the cost of being comfy?

Next article Is this at the bottom of your To-Do list?

A few years ago, I found myself standing in a Portuguese town square, completely lost on day one of a solo pilgrimage along the Camino Portugues. The yellow arrows marking my path had vanished, and my inner voice was having a field day: “This is what happens when you try things you’re not prepared for.”

At nearly fifty, I had chosen to walk 120 kilometres alone through Portugal and Spain – something utterly unlike me. I’d always been the woman who only attempted things I could excel at.

Recognise the patterns

The first step is becoming aware of how ‘good girl’ conditioning shows up in your life.

Maybe you’re a people pleaser or a peacekeeper. These behavioural patterns often start as survival strategies early in life, but now they may be limiting your growth and damaging your relationships.

Try tracking when you feel resentful, exhausted or inauthentic. These emotions often signal when you’re not living from your true desires.

Practice self-compassion

When you’re conditioned to see imperfections as threats to your worthiness, self-criticism becomes automatic. You might berate yourself for not handling a situation better or obsess over how you could’ve approached it differently.

Self-compassion is not about lowering your standards but changing how you relate to yourself when you fall short of your ideals. Next time you hear that inner critic, try imagining what your most caring friend would say in response.

Set healthy boundaries

Many of us were taught that saying “no” is selfish. This conditioning creates a permission gap where we feel we need external approval to honour our limits.

Close this gap by practising the “PPE” method. Before saying yes to that last-minute project or after-hours event, pause and check in with yourself. Protect your needs by choosing a limit that feels right. Express it clearly and kindly.

Remember: others’ disappointment doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong, it just means you’re changing a pattern that may have served them, but not you.

Strengthen your self-leadership

Research shows we all have access to “self-energy” – a natural capacity for clear, compassionate leadership from within. To build trust in your inner wisdom, take regular “Self-Energy Breaks” throughout your day. Find a quiet moment and ask yourself: “What matters most to me right now?” Notice which quality feels most available – perhaps curiosity, compassion or courage – and let that guide your next interaction. With practice, you’ll pull yourself away from seeking external validation.

Celebrate small victories

Breaking free from ‘good girl’ conditioning isn’t about dramatic rebellion – it’s about small, consistent steps toward greater authenticity. Each time you set a boundary or show yourself compassion, you’re rewriting decades of conditioning, and that is something to be proud of.

Your journey won’t be linear. There will be days when old patterns feel safer than new possibilities. That’s normal, not failure.

The most important question I’ve learned to ask myself is: “On whose terms and for whose benefit am I living my life?” Perhaps that’s the real pilgrimage – the journey from living according to others’ expectations to discovering what it means to be uniquely yourself.

An honorary fellow at Melbourne University’s Center for Wellbeing Science and one of LinkedIn’s top 10 Mental Health Thought Leaders, Dr Michelle McQuaid transforms cutting-edge research into practical tools for thriving. Her work, featured in media outlets worldwide, weaves together scientific rigour and lived experience – from six best-selling books to her acclaimed podcast featuring over 250 conversations with leading researchers.

Work In Progress is an FW series in which people we admire turn their specialist knowledge and leadership wisdom into practical, accessible advice that you can tap into.