Work Wives: Why Friendships At Work Matter

Circa 2014, John Travolta had a very tiny beard. It was an audacious little cluster of hair on the very precipice of his chin, seeming to challenge anyone who looked at it directly. My friend Rosie and I came across a photograph of John Travolta’s tiny beard one day at work, and it brought us great happiness (we often wrote about celebrities for work, so it was technically within our remit to be looking at famous beards online). Something about this facial hair undid us, and we could not stop giggling. Real tears of joy were cried. Every time someone went to the bathroom or boardroom and left their computer unattended, we’d change their screensaver to a picture of John Travolta’s tiny beard. It was a wondrous, ridiculous break in the otherwise stressful, if great, monotony of office life.

And that can be the glorious and unmatched joy of having a work wife. Rosie was my best friend in the office, or my “work wife”, as we call it. Working long hours together, we probably spent more time with one another than our boyfriends, parents or pets. We debriefed on office politics over noodles at lunch, told secrets on a 3pm trip to the biscuit tin, backed each other up in meetings, read each other’s work loyally, chatted about ideas, checked on each other’s integrity, monitored our mental health and made each other laugh. Having that friendship at work single-handedly changed the entire experience of coming into the same office each morning. It brought me joy and solace – which should be more important corporate values than they currently are.

Research shows that having a friend like Rosie actually made me better at my job. Having a best friend at work can increase our productivity, our creativity, our intuition and our job satisfaction. People with friends at work take fewer sick days and have fewer accidents, making them a genuinely good business investment. Total Jobs in the UK surveyed more than 4000 employees and 100 employers to find out exactly how valuable our work spouse relationships are – and the results were convincing and delightful. Sixty percent of those surveyed said they looked forward to work because of their close friendship in the office. Thirty-nine percent said they felt more productive (despite all that time you spend on Slack discussing Love Island or debriefing on your latest Tinder date). Seventy percent of employers believe it’s healthy for their employees to have friendships at work, with just 10 percent saying they thought it was a distraction. Eighty percent of employers said that friendship made their workplaces a happier place.

Illustrations: Patti Andrews

But here’s a distressing fact. Only 17 percent of people have a best friend at work. This could be for any number of reasons: they’re too busy, they’re too scared to make a personal connection at work, they just haven’t met someone they adore. The friendless majority get on with their jobs, perhaps not knowing the joys of having someone to depend on and confide in at work. The people who do have best friends at work know their value and dread the news that their work spouse is leaving. When asked how they’d react if they found out their friend was leaving, 23 percent of people said they would consider quitting their jobs and a wonderfully dramatic 7 percent said it would be akin to bereavement. Our work spouses can simply be that important.

And of course it’s not all about laughter and famous tiny beards. It’s also about making us more capable at our jobs. A poll by Gallup suggests that having a friend at work is one of the smartest things we can do for our careers. Employees with a best friend in the office were 43 percent more likely to receive praise or recognition for their work, 37 percent more likely to report that they’ve been encouraged at work, 27 percent more likely to feel like their work is important, 27 percent more likely to report that their opinions count at work and 21 percent more likely to be able to do what they do best every day. Companionship at work reduces stress, alleviates tension and makes the whole idea of sitting at a desk for the majority of our lives entirely more palatable. Loneliness can be a profound distraction, making it more difficult to function and to do our jobs well, so it is a wonderfully powerful decision to make friends with a colleague and protect yourself from that.

“Companionship at work reduces stress, alleviates tension and makes the whole idea of sitting at a desk for the majority of our lives entirely more palatable.”

So, why do so few of us make friends at work? I’ve thought about this a lot, having just written a book about the importance of friendship called The Friendship Cure for precisely the reason that I believe we can only cure loneliness with an intense revival of friendship. In a work context, we’ve been conditioned to believe we must be stoic to be professional; that our work selves must be aloof in order to be respected. Friendship is an exchange of vulnerabilities and many of us suspect vulnerability at work might be inappropriate, perhaps even a sign of weakness (where really, it is a sign of strength). The truth is that in order to truly connect with another human being, you have to reveal something personal about yourself and so many of us think our personal lives have no place in the office. But we are increasingly allowing our work obligations to leak into our home lives, with long hours, smartphones and being contactable via email at all times of the day. If we are to survive – and better, thrive – in these conditions at work, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to get personal and to build intimacy with our colleagues.

Friendship can be one of the most restorative, invigorating, inspiring and wonderful perks of office life. I wholeheartedly encourage you to speak to the people you work with, to ask them proper personal questions, to meet out of hours and to have each other’s backs. Oh, and while you’re at it, Google “John Travolta tiny beard”.