No, extreme jealousy is not the same as ‘boundaries’

When Anya* was younger, she was in a relationship with a man I’ll call David*. They were friends first and eventually started dating, like something out of a friends-to-lovers romantic comedy.

Once they were ‘official’, David’s attitude towards her male friends changed. He became suspicious of every interaction Anya had with them, convinced they were only being nice to her because they wanted to sleep with her.

In order to ease David’s mind, she made the decision to distance herself from her male friends. She watched as they slowly trickled out of her life. But it didn’t stop there.

David’s jealousy escalated to the point where he showed up at her workplace, questioning her relationships with her colleagues. Why did she need to work late again? Was she having an affair with one of them?

Eventually, it became too difficult to maintain any social interactions with men, it wasn’t worth the hassle. To alleviate the pressure and silence his insecurities, she cut off every connection, one by one, barely noticing when her only remaining tie was to David.

Eventually, it became too difficult to maintain any social interactions with men, it wasn’t worth the hassle.

The line between love and abuse has been a subject I’ve been exploring for quite some time. Over the past seven months, I’ve been producing the podcast There’s No Place Like Home, a practical resource for recognising the most common red flags of non-physical abuse, such as gaslighting, jealousy, isolation and financial abuse.

Anya’s story is all too familiar for women.

It’s a same story splashed across the internet this week when surfer Sarah Brady shared unsettling screenshots on her Instagram account, allegedly from her ex-partner, actor Jonah Hill.

“If they say, ‘Well, if I was important, you’d pop to the bathroom or something so that you could reply,’ that’s not a good sign,” she says.

“If somebody is telling you that they can’t live without you, that is not romantic. That is terrifying.”

“Because already it’s indicating that your feelings could be questioned, and doubted. It’s an indicator that they are expecting you to start to put your life on hold for them, and that they’ll evaluate you accordingly.”

Jealousy is another hallmark of danger to come. Dr Brian Sullivan, the founder of Sicura DV, labels the jealousy abusive partners weaponise “sexual jealousy” and notes that at its core, it’s about entitlement.

“You’re off limits to other men now, because men can’t be trusted. So that’s why you have to be around me all the time. That’s why I will stalk you, I will ring you during the day to find out what you’re doing, where you are,” says Dr Sullivan.

The sinister thing about sexual jealousy is how it can so easily be dressed up as care.

Actions like regularly showing up at a partner’s workplace unannounced, calling or texting incessantly or insisting every waking moment is spent together can easily be framed as romantic gestures.

They will often be justified with statements like “I’ve never felt this way before”.

The sinister thing about sexual jealousy is how it can so easily be dressed up as care.

While perpetrators tailor their abuse to the victim-survivor to inflict the most damage possible, these patterns and similarities are identifiable and go a long way in helping bystanders support their loved ones.

By sharing our stories and shedding light on these destructive behaviours, we empower ourselves and others to break free from toxic relationships.

Anya broke free of David’s pattern of abuse which, on reflection, feels not only cruel but cliché. Predictable. One victim-survivor once remarked that “it feels like these men all copy each other’s homework”.

In my experience, that sentiment holds true. The thing they didn’t count on? We’re not just taking notes – we’re passing them along.